Such a good advert. I love the guys silver trainers too.

December. Already.

It's funny how at uni you lose all contact with the outside world and that regularity with the calendar you had at school.

It still barely feels like Christmas at the moment, but that's probably because I've not been out anywhere so haven't been exposed to the rampant consumerism, and Christmasness of it all.

Yesterday in Starbucks was the first time that it felt festive. Hands up who else has noticed how they've just latched on to Coca-cola's marketing strategy what with the red cups and mugs and bags with pictures of people giving each other coffee. Remind you of this at all?
I only knew about the bags because I bought a Starbucks travel mug. I know, I'm a brand whore. But it's so cool.

I'm pissed off because I'll have to miss my School Leavers Carol service for another year. I've got to stay in London till Christmas Eve Eve (23rd), because I'm working the weekend before Christmas. Plus it won't feel Christmasy here, I want to go home and decorate the tree, play a few Christmas tunes, and sit watching T.V. or reading Dickens in front of the fire.

I know it's old but I'm really loving Adele - Home Town Glory at the moment, and it's quite wintery. Reminds me of cobbled London Streets, bare trees, and icy winds.

Speaking of terrible weather - was anyone else woken by that terrible storm this morning, around 7am. I woke up to hear this howling bitter wind, and thought it was going to pull my open window off it's hinges. And even after I got up to close it, the wind still came through the grate on the wall above my bed. A freezing but exciting experience none the less.

Right, enough random babbling from me, I better get ready and go to hospital to do a bit of Med Student stuff.

Take care for now.

No posts in 2 months. My bad.

I've been busy, and having a lot of fun too. Lots to report and I don't quite know where to start...

Uni has been much, much more demanding this year, with 9 till 5's almost every day and a ridiculous number of things to be learnt but I'm starting a month long clinical attachment soon which should be awesome, aside from the hour-ish commute to the hospital and back everyday.

The flat I'm living in is amazing. Everyone who's seen it has said it's more like a young professionals bachelor pad than a students flat. We have a 46" LCD flatscreen, surround sound, an Xbox 360, and a PS2, as well as an all important dish-washer. My room is bigger than my room at home. And to top it off, my flat mates are really great.

I'm still single, but not minding so much now. A couple of weeks ago ScrubsGirl (my friend who I had feelings for) asked me over to her flat, which is also in the same complex, to tell me something.
It turned out that she and our other really good mate from halls, IndieKid, were going out. I was so unbelievably gutted and I dont think I hid it well. She asked me if it was weird and I kind of said that it was. More because the 3 of us were like a unit and now it'd be all weird.

That was quite a shit weekend, because on Friday I had an interview for a job that I really really wanted and it was surprisingly hard, and then straight after this bomb was dropped on me.

On Sunday night I spoke to SG again, and having decided that I'd have to tell her a how I felt about them two, apologised for not being so enthusiastic and excited for them but explained it was because I didn't want anything to change between us all.

She laughed and assured me that nothing was going to change, and so far it hasn't, well not in front of me anyway. And I guess I should be happy for them. Plus she clearly didn't feel the same way about me as I did about her and I'm glad we're still great friends. I'd rather that than things becoming awkward.

On the plus side...

I got the job. It's as a sales associate at one of the funkiest, coolest, most amazing stores in London. WOO HOO!!

So all in all, that's what I've been up to these past weeks. Nuff said.

Just posting as I'm bored, and it's been quite a while since I have.

Nothing much to actually say other than...

I now have all of Skins and Heroes Series and Season one, respectively. Couch, here I come.

The book I'm reading right now (can you guess what it is?), is finally getting somewhere good, and I'm back to struggling to put it down.

I've come across an attractive something recently, though I'm not sure how sincere it is, or of it's motives.

I had a nice, long conversation with my friend A last night, about starting uni, alcohol (a natural progression), relationships (how his last one was), and other things.

He gave me some advice and his opinion on something, for which I'm grateful, as it's kind of like a push in a direction that may or may not be right, but one in which I myself was thinking of heading for that exact reason - to find out.

He also reminded me that I should go with the flow with certain things, and that there's no set pattern or path for finding what I want.

I sold my car. I'm looking to buy a new (used) one. I really want a SEAT Ibiza, because it's a bit rude looking and sexy. And it's a Volkswagen inside.
And before you ask why I'm buying a car while I'm living in Central London, my mum and I are going to share it.
Thus it will be hers while I'm not at home, and mine when I am.

Finally, there're only 3 weeks to go till uni...all of which have packed weekends. I can't wait!

Just one day home alone with nothing to do and I feel so depressed now.

Exactly how I felt at the beginning of this holiday. Bored and lonely.

I wish I had an older brother, someone else at home to do things with.
Or even a car...and insurance.

It's so trapping being here at home, I hate it.

Well only 3 more weeks to go I guess, the weekends of which are all booked up.
I guess its just up to me to be more pro-active and fill my time.

I do want to finish the 2 other projects in the garden before I go.

And hopefully October will bring excitement, new experiences, and new people my way.
Ooh a whole year of freshers ha ha!

No but seriously...it can't be this hard to meet someone.

I feel really down all of a sudden, really cold and tired and worn out. Emotionally as well as physically. Too much hoping, wishing, and thinking.

I feel the reason is also lack of social interaction.
I'm a real people person, I love meeting new people, talking to people, and hanging out with my friends. None of which is happening at the moment.

For now though I think I'm going to go to bed. Or read. Or veg out on the couch.

I really need to sort out my finances.

I spend money willy-nilly on clothes without thinking about saving anything.
And last year I didn't manage to save anything, only neutralizing my over-draft and that's it.

I think I'm going to set up an overdraft, and withdraw the full amount and place it in an ISA and then just leave it to grow. Natwest seem to be the best non-virtual bank offering the best interest rate that that pays monthly.

Also I'm going to try and not use any of the money earned from the job I hope to get once back in the Big L.
If I managed last year to survive without that extra income, then I should be fine this year too.

Furthermore, my rent is approximately £20 cheaper a week this year.

What I'm going to have to do is some careful money-management, which should be easier now that I've set up online banking.

These plans came about after a conversation with my cousin bro, about our family friend who, at the age of 25, already has a flat of his own which he's renting out to people, thus paying the mortgage. He was lucky as he could live at home whilst studying and thus saved on accommodation fees and living expenses.

Now I know it was my choice to come to London, but I think I'd rather have the debt than stay here all my life. Eugh.

So yes, hopefully this time next year I will have a healthy looking ISA, no over-draft, and in it's place, a handsome sum of money earning interest.

+



=

Ahh. I'm all decked out!

It was so much harder (and expensive) than I thought it'd be but it's all finished now.
I'm so proud of my little garden design project.

I wish I'd taken a "before" photo but you'll just have to take my word for it that the "? ? ?" area was hideous. And the wall behind the decking was obscured by awful overgrown bushes that blocked out the view of the garden behind them as well as sun-light.

Next I will have to tackle the left side - the rockery is overgrown and ugly. Needs a makeover.

But before that, some nice big pots, a table, chairs, and patio-heater for the decking. And maybe some tea-light candle lanterns, and out-door lights to drape over the left fence.

I can see it now...

Yesterday was Raksha Bandhan, the Hindu festival celebrating love between brothers and sisters. On Raksha Bandhan (which literally translates to binding protection), sisters tie decorated sacred threads, called Rakhis, around their brothers wrists.

With this act, sisters pray for their brothers to be protected from all evil, and in return brothers promise to protect their sisters from all harm and troubles. He also gives her a return gift which is a physical acceptance of her love, a reminder of their togetherness and a symbol of his pledge. A tenner normally does the trick.

It's not just between siblings however, I recieve Rakhis from my cousins also, and even good friends tie them to each other.

Like all Hindu festivals, Raksha Bandhan follows the moon calendar, and falls on the full moon of the month of Shravaan - the holiest month in the Hindu calendar.

There are many legends surrounding Raksha Bandhan and events in history in which the festival features:

The oldest reference to the festival of rakhi goes back to 300 B.C. at the time when Alexander invaded India.
It is said that the great conqueror, King Alexander of Macedonia was shaken by the fury of the Indian king Puru in his first attempt.
Upset by this, Alexander's wife, who had heard of the Rakhi festival, approached King Puru. King Puru accepted her as his sister and when the opportunity came during the war, he refrained from Alexander.

My favourite however, is the story of Krishna and Draupadi (the wife of the Pandavs) in the Mahabharat.

When Krishna injured his wrist whilst fighting in the war, Draupadi tore a strip of silk off her sari and tied it to stop the blood flow.
Krishna was so touched by her action that he found himself bound to her by love.

Later, Draupadi was kidnapped by the evil Duryodhan and was forced to be made a slave in his court. He commanded Dushashan to remove clothes of Pandavas and Draupadi as they were now his servants.
The Pandavas surrendered without any resistance. Now Dushashan turned to Draupadi. It was a moment of shame for mighty Pandavas yet they were helpless and remained silent spectators.
Draupadi was in a state of complete helplessness. Her five husbands were unable to save her. Elders in the assembly turned deaf ears to her intense call for help. Dushashan began pulling her sari off infront of the whole court so she prayed with all her faith to Lord Krishna.

Krishna heard Draupadi's prayers and remembering how she had tied Rakhi on him, came to her rescue. With his extraordinary powers, Krishna gave Draupadi one sari for every thread of silk in the Rakhi she had given him, and as one was pulled off, another would magically appear.
In the end, Dushashan fell to the ground exhausted and Draupadi was saved.

What a horrible day today was. I hate my life sometimes.

3 arguments with 3 different people.
I don't have the desire or energy to go into details right now.

Just that they were with my dad, my sister, and my ex/friend (well at least I think they still are).

I made up with my sister.
And said good night to my dad, to which he replied, so I'm guessing things are back to the same old normal there.

And with the ex...who knows. I'm still upset and angry...but at the same time I still care.
And have to hold myself back from calling or texting.

It's so hard and messed up. Because I still like them as a person...and want to be friends.
And who knows where things may go.

But there's a lot of friction right now.
They won't talk to me, let me in on how they feel. And then-

Then they're bitter and cold. So maybe it's best not to be in a relationship like that.

Except I know that's not what they're like. I know they're so nice and kind. And interesting and fun.
But the truth is, I can't deal with these arguments right now.

I need a solution, not another problem.

7.ThirtyOne.

Relationships and complications.
Mismatch and miscommunications.
I want it and yeah...
I hate it and yeah...

Moving too fast and then moving too slow.
I dont know where you want to go.
Don't know where I want to go.

Singing our song to all your friends.
I sing our song to myself.
There're reasons, hey.
Maybe it'll all turn out swell.

Strangest feeling I know so well.

Relationships and complications.
Mismatch and miscommunications.
I want it and yeah...
I hate it and yeah...

You didn't let me in.
When the moon was waning out.
Didn't explain to me. Not even roundabout.

All I wanted was to take two steps back.
Maybe three or four.
Now I'm contemplating running to the door.
Pushing me, and pulling me.

Strangest feeling I've never known before.

Relationships and complications.
Mismatch and miscommunications.
I want it and yeah...
I hate it and yeah...

I want to be somebodies boy. Some mans secret someone.
I want to be that girls man. But what ain't done ain't done.
You've taught me though. I've learnt and I grow.
No closer away from where it began. But closer than I was on 7. 31.

This is my messed up self. Don't know where I want to go.
It would be good to have a girl sing me Kate's Shit though.
Or a guy to sing it to. Someone's secret, a secret someone.

Relationships and complications.
Mismatch and miscommunications.
I want it and yeah...
I want it and yeah...

I want it and yeah...
Yeah. I want it. Yeah...

MIXEDSIGNALS

September is almost here! I love this time of year.

As daylight dwindles and the nights draw long,
the temperature drops,
fruit falls from the trees,
and the ground is set ablaze,
yellow, orange, crimson...


And not only is it a time to appreciate the beauty of the British countryside, but, especially for Hindus, it's festival time.

Raksha Bandhan, Janmashtami, Navaratri, Diwali, Halloween...and finally Christmas

|WEEKEND|

|CHALLENGE|ADVENTURE|EXCITEMENT|SPENDING|FUN|LAUGHS| |ARGUMENTS|DEPRESSION|RECOVERY|CALM|

Mum and Dad got back from their holiday earlier...I'm really pleased they went. It's the first time they've had the chance to go away together since their Honeymoon!

It was a challenge too for my sister and I to run the family business without them, but the two of us, along with some help from our cousin bro and sis managed it well I think.
It was actually quite easy to do, and I feel I can do it again in future, hopefully for longer next time.

My cousins came up on Friday and left this afternoon.
As usual in their company, we all had a really good time, laughing, joking, spending...

See the post below for all the treats I purchased (with money I don't actually have! :-S )

My sister saw this jacket she really liked in Cult but she seemed doubtful when she asked my opinion so I advised her to make sure she really liked it and ensure it wasn't just an impulse buy.
She decided to reserve it and come back later.

After a few more hours of shopping the stores began to close, and she had to rush back to Cult, and plead with the sales assistant to let her in to buy it.
That situation showed her that she really did want the jacket.

Sunday was good, because all four of us bought stuff that we really, really liked.

I felt a bit down after the two of them left, even though I was excited that the 'rents were coming home, I had that "Sunday evening" feeling of everything going back to normal, a new week ahead, and the end of a really good weekend that I'd been looking forward to.

It didn't help that I kind of had an argument with my...friend.

They told me that they'd been asked out on a date, two in fact.

And I didn't take it so well, because, to be honest, we were once more than friends, and I'm not sure how I feel now.
My reaction proved to me what I thought, that I do still have feelings for them.
It's like the jacket thing again.

And the frustrating thing is maybe things could have worked out, but there was so much miscommunication when we 'talked' and I don't know if we understood each other.
It's my own fault anyway.

The truth is I was a little scared...because suddenly something that I'd been longing for, and then an virtual relationship suddenly became a real person.

I've never been in a situation like that.

It was exciting, but it was also a little fast...to be that close mentally, having only met once.

Like I said, it's my own fault.
I can't expect them to deal with that, or wait for me.
And as I told them, I am happy for them. I really am. They deserve to be happy. Because they're an amazing person.

It's just that I'm tired of being the person who's happy for everyone else.
I want to be happy myself. As selfish as it may sound.

I've waited so long, how long more do I have to wait?

Ah well, everything happens for a reason, and people come into your life for a reason.
Sometimes it's obvious why.
Sometimes it's not.
Sometimes it's to give you a message. To restore your faith.
And sometimes you just don't know why.

But hopefully they'll stay around long enough for you to find out.

:-)

Night lovelies. Xx

I went shopping yesterday...again. Someone really has to stop me. It's a costly addiction.

I bought this T-shirt from Topman - £4.50

And this jacket from Jack Jones - £45

And this cardigan from Zara - £35 (I know!)

I also bought some boxer-trunks from H&M but I'm not modeling them here! Ha ha.

Guess who's back in town...

I got M.I.A.'s new album Kala today. It's so damn good. I've been waiting so long for it too.

I seem to be the only person I know who loves her so much, and most of my friends can't stand her (despite some of them happily dancing along to her songs).

But seriously, her music is so energetic, funky, vibrant, and cool. How can anyone not like it?

Meh, her being underground makes her all the more special...

Listen to this, and remember to crank up the volume and bass but then don't blame me when you can't stop asking, "how many, how many boys 'there?"

Listening to:

Armand Van Helden - I Want Your Soul - really loud.

Feeling:

Defiant, confident, positive.

Thinking:

I'm tired of thinking oh wow, I wish I was like that, had that, was as cool as him...blah, blah, blah.

I'm going to take charge of my life. Do what I want to do. Be who I want to be. Rather than admiring and envying others, I'm going to be that person.

The greatest change for me by the end of the year?

Get Job.
Continue uni comfortably.
Find love.
Find myself.
Love myself.

I feel depressed today. I know the reason why. It's the same reason I feel lonely. It's not the same reason I feel cold. That's because of the rather crap weather. Though all three could be solved by the same thing.

I guess, like I always tell myself, everything happens for a reason. Though I still don't think that someone has got the correct message, and has misunderstood what I meant, instead choosing to believe what they want to believe.

Then again, I respect their decision, as the options I presented to them weren't fair on them, I understand that. Though I never asked them to change, or be different. I'd never do that. And I think that they think that I did.

Anyway, I'm lucky enough to still have them as a friend, an amazingly cool friend...and a great careers advisor (ha ha).

I applied for jobs again today, this time in London. I'm hoping to work while studying. And, following the advice of someone, I'm even going to apply to a few places I'd never even bothered to think of before, because I doubt someone like me could ever work at somewhere as cool as that.

Mr Someone disagrees with my thinking, but I remain unconvinced. All I'm saying is "hmmmm" - an unconvinced agreement.

In other news, my parents seem to be getting along really well recently. Joking with each other playfully instead of rowing. It's because they're going to Barcelona this weekend for their anniversary and it's the first time they've been away together in ages. You can tell they're excited. And it's nice to see that for once. Though it does mean my sister and I are going to have to run the business ourselves for a few days....gulp!

Oh and talking of my sister, she's going to Hong Kong on business from the 11th of September till the 22nd. Not only does this mean she'll miss my birthday, but also she'll be flying, on a plane, half way around the world, on 9/11! She took great delight in pointing out the date to me today. Silly cow.
At least she'll be back for my Birthday night out in London...though I still have to decide where that'll be...

Enough rambling for now...I'm going to go and do something to make myself feel better...


...why is it that when you feel down, you're compelled to listen to sad songs that only remind you of why you're upset.

Shall I listen to sad songs and cry and not feel any better? Or should I listen to punching beats and move forward?

I have been playing this track on repeat, really loud through my stereo, it's such a chooooonee...

...love the lyrics, and the voice too.

And strange as how it's such a sad melancholy song, and even though the tune, and echoed voice reflects that, the beat is so punchy and aggressive with a phat B-line, almost strong, defiant.


T2 & Jodie - Heartbroken

Sitting here at home,
thinking 'bout you all alone,
wondering where our love went wrong,
got a confession to make...

'cos you made me happier,
now my life is blue and hurt,
'cos when you left you took my heart,
got a confession to make,

I'm heartbroken
with out your love,
heartbroken
yes I've had enough,
heartbroken,
I don't know what to say,
I've never felt this way...

Chooneage!

10 tips for the top.


1. Forgive yourself and others: Life is too short to hold on to regrets, grudges, miscommunications, or disappointments. Free yourself by forgiving and letting go of any negative energy you're holding on to about yourself or others. The process of forgiving yourself and others will result in your feeling light and free; it will raise your contentment.

2. Practise gratitude and appreciation: Whatever you focus on grows. So, when you focus on every thing in your life you feel grateful for all and the wonderful people you appreciate, the universe hands you more to feel grateful about.

3. Live each day as though it were your last: Then you will be living in a state of light, love and unconditional contribution. What would you say to the people you care about?

4. Meditate or pray: You open up a direct link between yourself and the spiritual realm when you meditate or pray. You will come closer to your creator energy; raise your contentment experience, peace, clarity, joy and connection, as well as a perfectly balanced state between your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual realms.

5. Suspend judgment: One judges another to feel less guilty about one's own misgivings. Judgment energy is dense, dark and heavy. On the other hand, unconditional acceptance is light, free and accepting. Let go of judging and criticising yourself and others. Everyone is on a different path and some appear to be farther ahead on their path than others. Neither path is better nor worse than another. Raise your conscious-ness to one of acceptance.

6. View every experience as a gift: If you look back at occurrences in your life, you can easily see how even the worst situations you experienced in your life ended up teaching you invaluable lessons and therefore resulted in putting you in perfect place for your continuing development. When you view every experience — the good, the bad, and the ugly — as a gift, life flows more like a gentle, inspiring breeze.

7. Stay consciously aware of all your thoughts and feelings: It is easy to fall into negative patterns of complaining and feeling like a victim of society and your life. When you catch yourself in the negative zone, don't feel badly about it and beat yourself up. Simply choose to switch your consciousness to one of gratitude and positive thinking.

8. Treat your physical body as your temple: Your body is the only vehicle you've been given for this ride called life. The better you care for your body by eating a healthy, balanced diet, and by implementing a regular exercise routine, and by giving your body the rest it requires, the more you will experience increased energy, vitality, joy and freedom.

9. View the world through the eyes of a child: Children are enthralled by the process of observing and experiencing the wonder and beauty in every single thing. They can't get enough. Look at every tree, sunset, cloud and human being as a child would and you'll be in a constant state of wonder, joy, surprise, acceptance and enlightenment.

10. Give love, love, love from your heart: It's all about love. Love is the highest contentment. Allow yourself to receive love unconditionally from others. Give love from your heart unconditionally to yourself and others and you will experience the highest state of consciousness possible



Most importantly smile and make others smile :)

If only they were onions...

At least then I'd have an explaination...

Laugh with me.



*Falls on floor in fits of giggles*

August 14th, 1947.

60 years ago today, India was torn apart in a bloody partition, a violent process, that severed hearts, minds, lives, and families, as well as the country itself.

Decisions made on that day divided one of the most ethically diverse yet peaceful nations in the world, the repercussions of which would still be felt so many decades on.

However, that night also marked the liberation of this new India,

"At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the world sleeps, India will awake to life and freedom. A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new, when an age ends, and when the soul of a nation, long suppressed, finds utterance..... We end today a period of ill fortune, and India discovers herself again."
- Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru

And the Tiranga was born,

"Bhagwa or the saffron colour denotes renunciation of disinterestedness. Our leaders must be indifferent to material gains and dedicate themselves to their work. The white in the centre is light, the path of truth to guide our conduct. The green shows our relation to (the) soil, our relation to the plant life here, on which all other life depends. The "Ashoka Chakra" in the centre of the white is the wheel of the law of dharma. Truth or satya, dharma or virtue ought to be the controlling principle of those who work under this flag. Again, the wheel denotes motion. There is death in stagnation. There is life in movement. India should no more resist change, it must move and go forward. The wheel represents the dynamism of a peaceful change."

August 14th, 2007.

Today, the worlds largest democracy, and possibly the greatest example of secular tolerance celebrates 60 years of Independence.

"In India today,

we have a lady born a Catholic (Sonia Gandhi)

stepping aside so a Sikh (Manmohan Singh)

could be sworn in by a Muslim president (Abdul Kalam)

to lead a nation that's 82% Hindu.

I defy anyone to cite another country with such diversity and tolerance to its political leadership."

India, congratulations!

Dream Spiral | First Dawn


I re-jigged my room around yesterday, and after about 8 hours of moving, lifting, sorting, plugging, unplugging, hammering, and binning, as well as a few hiccups with the internet, it was finally done.

It was so worth it though, the whole room looks so much neater, tidier, and newer. It's made the wall colours stand out more too, Dream Spiral on the window wall, and First Dawn, on all the others.
I moved the bed under the window as that wall space was wasted anyway, and moved the desk to where the bed was so I can now utilize the wall space above it. According to my cousin it just looks like I've moved the door. Fair enough.

Now I just need to get some photos developed from my travels, and buy some frames to put them up in, and maybe another poster or two.

I was having a conversation with mum today over breakfast about going back to uni and also getting a job. I really want a job, in a clothes store, not only for the money now, but job security for next summer. The thing is, the second year is meant to be the hardest. Then I mentioned how I needed to save up if I wanted to go traveling around Thailand.

Her first reaction to hearing this plan of mine was to tell me how dangerous Thailand is, once again an immediate negative reaction. It's so annoying. I know she's only worrying, as mums do, but she does it way too much.

In other news, I really need to finish Harry Potter, I'm surprised at myself for my lack of interest in it. I think I may actually have grown up. Shock horror. No really, I tried to read some last night...but my thoughts were elsewhere.

Anyway, that's enough random rambling for now...

Cloud nine


So that's what it's like to fall asleep on a cloud...

A warm breeze floats softly on in through my open window, and far in the distance I can hear the Magic Numbers playing live.

I've spent most of this weekend in the countryside, and it's been so nice.

Reminded me of when I was a kid, and my country school, surrounded by fields, and nature. So far from the Urban Jungle I now call home.

When I'm older I want to have a house in the countryside.

I also discovered an amazing Indie Folk singer this weekend, Devendra Banhart...

And hey there Mr. Morning Sun, what kind of creature are you

I can't stare, but I know you're there
Goddamn, how I wish I knew

And hey there Mrs. Lovely Moon, you're lonely and you're blue
It's kind of strange the way you change
But then again we all do, too...

It's such a beautiful day outside. A single cloud is slowly drifting through the azure sea above. Greenery glows under the sunlight and inside, I feel so cold and alone.

I'm longing for something that's out of reach. And whats more, I'm not sure I'm longed for.

I should be happy, it's a great Summers day, I'm going to see my friends, but all that speaks to me are sad songs on the radio...

There's a place I go
When I'm alone
Do anything I want
Be anyone I wanna be
But it is us I see
And I cannot believe I'm fallin
That's where I'm goin
Where are you goin
Hold it close won't let this go

Dream catch me, yea
Dream catch me when I fall
Or else I won't come back at all...

If I see another motorway this week I think I'm going to scream.
We went all the way back to Kent yesterday, long story.
Still, at least this time it was nice and sunny but not unbearably hot.
It was just me and mum till Watford, where we picked up my cousins, so that my cousin could drive and mum got to rest.

The sky was entertaining for most of the journey, especially when we stumbled across little pockets in the clouds through which sun rays were pouring down.

And later, the sunset was amazing, an orange orb illuminating the magenta evening sky.

On the way back we had dinner at my cousins, and then mum and I drove back.
Typically it was just now, at about half 10pm that the heavens opened.
We were finally home by 12pm.

Somvaar(Sanskrit,Som=Moon,Vaar=Day)=Monday.

I went into town today as I had arranged to meet my friend N for lunch sometime last week. I had been expecting it to just be the two of us, until last night when my friend A (the clingy one I have been avoiding a little), rang me asking if we could meet earlier as the time I'd arranged wasn't convenient for him.

To be honest I was a little pissed off by this, as yet again he had managed to invite himself to something I was doing with a friend (well N may have invited him but still), and secondly, now he wanted to change things to his convenience.

I explained how I couldn't do midday as I was working till 2pm and so the time stayed put.

As it turns out, he wasn't so annoying and the 3 of us had a nice catch-up without him diverting any of the attention to himself as normally happens.

After we ate, A left to go to Lincoln, and I accompanied N to a shoe shop before saying goodbye and wandering off to do a little shopping/spending of my own.

Topman had a sale on, and after trying on 4 things and then rejecting each one, including this really nice green, thin, rain-coat style jacket with white hood-strings and zips that was annoyingly not the right size, I picked up a pair of jeans that I'd been meaning to buy.

I did also get this shirt. I love Topman shirts for the fitting, but dislike their price-tags, and so as this one was almost half-price it was a must-buy.

On the way home, mum stopped off at the train station so I could get my train tickets to Bedford for Weds.

I'm really looking forward to going, especially after today's stressful evening at home.
It's just getting all to much now, I'm so fed up.
The past few days I've been so physically tired, and have lost my appetite. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut of boredom and feel really lonely too.

Dinner is the only 40 minute window in our days that we are all together in one place. But rather than interact and talk to each other, everyone would more prefer to watch stupid T.V.

I know my parents work really hard, and maybe they'd like to relax and watch telly, but it's upsetting to know that my Dad is more interested in other people and fictional characters than me. Then they dislike it when I express any request or excitement to leave here.

And now I feel guilty as I've just had an argument with my sister.
She's upset with work but that doesn't mean she has to take it out on me.
She can be so nagging, and just keeps going on and on about the same thing, telling me to do this and do that.
Not even my parents act like that.

She's down because her biggest buyer have rejected 5 of the items in her product range, instead deciding to vend their own brand.
Hers is still the leading brand in that market, but she's taken it personally because it was "her" brand, one that she revived from almost dead, and gave a 9-fold sales increase to, 43% of the company's turn-over last quarter.

Now that to me, is so impressive, and people will know and want the leading brand.

I really don't think she has anything to worry about long-term.
All the other buyers have selected products from her range and are requesting personalised packaging, so surely thats a good sign.

Anyway, my MyBook finally came today...so I'm currently organising all my media on it. Woo! I can't wait till it's all done.

ILVA, went to yestderay. Made a yummy purchase. More browsed. Table for Dining, we all liked. Chairs for sitting, I liked. Bed, my sister bought, Coffee Table, I shot.

Got home very late, managed to entertain myself on journey.

Love my phone.

Frustration&Excitement.


Still 8 weeks to go till Uni starts. 8 weeks more to spend in pause.

Especially after yesterday I'm feeling the frustration of being here.

However, all is not glum, I'm going down to see IndieKid on Weds and will be joined by ScrubsGirl on Thurs for a few days of adventure, then its back up here on Sat for a weekend spent with my sister's friend coming to visit.

The following Weds, I'm going to see Rush Hour 3 with my Family and my Aunt, Uncle and Cousins, who I haven't seen in months.

Two nights later, I'll be in London for a friends birthday, and will spend until Sun at my cousin's place in Old Street.
Hopefully I'll get a chance to relieve the frustration then.

Sun will be an interruption to my London return, as there's going to be a family gathering in Milton Keynes...hope it's a scorcher.

I'll hopefully spend 3 more nights in Greenwich after that at a friends flat, which will hopefully provide me with some time to remove the frustration...until I come back here...ha ha.

Once I'm into September I'm feeling that the weeks will fly by, what with another pair of cousins coming to stay here, and 2 Sats spent celebrating my Birthday.


After all that, 8 weeks doesn't seem so disheartening anymore.

Secret Sunday Lover

The sun is shining, there's not one cloud in this beautiful AZURE sky.

And i feel goodgoodgood.

Sunday. Love. Sunday.

...and it feels so fine, secret Sunday lover, give me your sweet sunshine...

R.I.P.

My Flickr PRO account is dead.

I had been neglecting it recently anyway...but it's just annoying that all my photos have gone.
And I don't have the money to revive it. Not that it's really worth it anyway.

"In a normal lifetime, your eyes will show you almost 24 million images of the world around you.
Make sure some of them are worth remembering".

[Location| my room in the little L.]
[ Feeling| thirsty, tired and achey.]
[ Hearing| voices from the kitchen below.]

Just because I don't have an LJ account, doesn't mean I can't impersonate one, :-P

Today was a very emotionally eventful day.

I think the constant underlying issue I've been facing since God knows how long now, coupled with the fact that I'm stranded here with no job, money, and fewer friends, finally got on top of me.

The trigger was having to work even though I felt so tired from the minute I got up this morning as well as my mum pouring out her worries and stresses on me.
I don't blame her, because she has few others to turn to, and well, my parents marriage is a joke. But I can't deal with everyone else's problems at home as well as mine.

That sounds really selfish, but...I have no 'but'. It is selfish. Though sometimes she worries way too much, and I think I've had that problem instilled in me now.

I'm still young, and okay so I'm not sure where my life is going...but I've got so much time to find out where it's going and time to just enjoy things and do what I want, live how I want, do what makes me happy.

Like my sister said as she was consoling me, worry is a state of mind that only I can control.

I'm not going to let it control me.

W6 - London Borough of Hammersmith & Fulham

= Home

I had just climbed under my duvet when I caught a glimpse of the new, full moon through the gap between my blinds.

The sight of it, so round, so bright, scarred, yet perfect lured me to my window. If only my camera's battery wasn't dead.

I looked out into the darkness, blindly, at the garden that I knew lay below, thinking about the creatures out there, and no sooner than I had did I hear the now familiar, and that could apply in both senses, hoot of the owl that lives outside my window.

Her shrill hoot always paralyses me with fear.
I moved away from the window back to the safety of my bed.

And here I am. Still listening to the noises of the night.
There's a high-pitched sqeal, and a similar squawk.
More than one.
Calling to each other.

It must be Foxes. The call of a Vixen.

Very eerie indeed.

I've been meaning to write a post about the following topic for quite a while and today's poll by the BBC Asian Network suggesting that almost one third of British Asians don't feel British was the trigger I'd been waiting for.

My first thought as I heard that headline, British Asians Feel They Have To "Act White" To Get Ahead, was, "yeah obviously, what kind of stupid statement is that".
Of course we have to fit in to go places in this country.

But then I started thinking about it in more depth, and that's wrong.

We don't have to "act" anything.

Surely being born and raised in this country, and integrating to the best of our abilities is enough?

And infact, shouldn't being able to juggle two cultures and speak two languages be an advantage?

The trouble is no one realises how hard it was for the East African Asians, facing expulsion or execution, leaving everything behind, possessions and people, and building a new life in a foreign land.

And, while I can't even begin to imagine the struggles of my parents, it's also hard for us British Asians of the new generation.
The ones that were born here.

I have one nationality, British.
And I have one ethnicity, Indian.
But I have two cultures, constantly colliding.

It is difficult to manage these two, sometimes opposing cultures, trying to fit in without being labeled a coconut. And sometimes I'm angered by the fact that no matter how hard I try to integrate, how much I submerge myself in British culture, how little is given in return.

Over 30 years East African Asians have been in this country and only just now are British Asian Role Models beginning to emerge.

Amir Khan. Monty Panesar. And not that many more.

But still, my particular love, music, remains unrepresented.

Okay, so M.I.A's huge underground, but Jay Sean's fierce attempts to break into the mainstream failed, and no British Asian has been able to do it since.

Stolen was an amazing track, and he's so talented. Dare I say it, I bet if he'd been White or Black things would have been different.

This reminds me of a previous post I wrote defending one of my favourite bands Hadouken!, on the topic of culture clashes and racism in the music industry.

One particular lyric of theirs stands out because I felt it applied so well to me,

"I'm an indie limey, yeah but I like it grimey",

except that it doesn't really does it. I'm not a limey. And the industry is just black and white. There is nothing for us Asians. Yet. God knows why, because there's certainly a market for them.

I know of quite a few British Asians working really hard to break it into the industry, and it's time they got some recognition.


Sunit & Raxstar




Out Of Africa - a BBC Asian Network special report