Just posting as I'm bored, and it's been quite a while since I have.

Nothing much to actually say other than...

I now have all of Skins and Heroes Series and Season one, respectively. Couch, here I come.

The book I'm reading right now (can you guess what it is?), is finally getting somewhere good, and I'm back to struggling to put it down.

I've come across an attractive something recently, though I'm not sure how sincere it is, or of it's motives.

I had a nice, long conversation with my friend A last night, about starting uni, alcohol (a natural progression), relationships (how his last one was), and other things.

He gave me some advice and his opinion on something, for which I'm grateful, as it's kind of like a push in a direction that may or may not be right, but one in which I myself was thinking of heading for that exact reason - to find out.

He also reminded me that I should go with the flow with certain things, and that there's no set pattern or path for finding what I want.

I sold my car. I'm looking to buy a new (used) one. I really want a SEAT Ibiza, because it's a bit rude looking and sexy. And it's a Volkswagen inside.
And before you ask why I'm buying a car while I'm living in Central London, my mum and I are going to share it.
Thus it will be hers while I'm not at home, and mine when I am.

Finally, there're only 3 weeks to go till uni...all of which have packed weekends. I can't wait!

Just one day home alone with nothing to do and I feel so depressed now.

Exactly how I felt at the beginning of this holiday. Bored and lonely.

I wish I had an older brother, someone else at home to do things with.
Or even a car...and insurance.

It's so trapping being here at home, I hate it.

Well only 3 more weeks to go I guess, the weekends of which are all booked up.
I guess its just up to me to be more pro-active and fill my time.

I do want to finish the 2 other projects in the garden before I go.

And hopefully October will bring excitement, new experiences, and new people my way.
Ooh a whole year of freshers ha ha!

No but seriously...it can't be this hard to meet someone.

I feel really down all of a sudden, really cold and tired and worn out. Emotionally as well as physically. Too much hoping, wishing, and thinking.

I feel the reason is also lack of social interaction.
I'm a real people person, I love meeting new people, talking to people, and hanging out with my friends. None of which is happening at the moment.

For now though I think I'm going to go to bed. Or read. Or veg out on the couch.

I really need to sort out my finances.

I spend money willy-nilly on clothes without thinking about saving anything.
And last year I didn't manage to save anything, only neutralizing my over-draft and that's it.

I think I'm going to set up an overdraft, and withdraw the full amount and place it in an ISA and then just leave it to grow. Natwest seem to be the best non-virtual bank offering the best interest rate that that pays monthly.

Also I'm going to try and not use any of the money earned from the job I hope to get once back in the Big L.
If I managed last year to survive without that extra income, then I should be fine this year too.

Furthermore, my rent is approximately £20 cheaper a week this year.

What I'm going to have to do is some careful money-management, which should be easier now that I've set up online banking.

These plans came about after a conversation with my cousin bro, about our family friend who, at the age of 25, already has a flat of his own which he's renting out to people, thus paying the mortgage. He was lucky as he could live at home whilst studying and thus saved on accommodation fees and living expenses.

Now I know it was my choice to come to London, but I think I'd rather have the debt than stay here all my life. Eugh.

So yes, hopefully this time next year I will have a healthy looking ISA, no over-draft, and in it's place, a handsome sum of money earning interest.

+



=

Ahh. I'm all decked out!

It was so much harder (and expensive) than I thought it'd be but it's all finished now.
I'm so proud of my little garden design project.

I wish I'd taken a "before" photo but you'll just have to take my word for it that the "? ? ?" area was hideous. And the wall behind the decking was obscured by awful overgrown bushes that blocked out the view of the garden behind them as well as sun-light.

Next I will have to tackle the left side - the rockery is overgrown and ugly. Needs a makeover.

But before that, some nice big pots, a table, chairs, and patio-heater for the decking. And maybe some tea-light candle lanterns, and out-door lights to drape over the left fence.

I can see it now...

Yesterday was Raksha Bandhan, the Hindu festival celebrating love between brothers and sisters. On Raksha Bandhan (which literally translates to binding protection), sisters tie decorated sacred threads, called Rakhis, around their brothers wrists.

With this act, sisters pray for their brothers to be protected from all evil, and in return brothers promise to protect their sisters from all harm and troubles. He also gives her a return gift which is a physical acceptance of her love, a reminder of their togetherness and a symbol of his pledge. A tenner normally does the trick.

It's not just between siblings however, I recieve Rakhis from my cousins also, and even good friends tie them to each other.

Like all Hindu festivals, Raksha Bandhan follows the moon calendar, and falls on the full moon of the month of Shravaan - the holiest month in the Hindu calendar.

There are many legends surrounding Raksha Bandhan and events in history in which the festival features:

The oldest reference to the festival of rakhi goes back to 300 B.C. at the time when Alexander invaded India.
It is said that the great conqueror, King Alexander of Macedonia was shaken by the fury of the Indian king Puru in his first attempt.
Upset by this, Alexander's wife, who had heard of the Rakhi festival, approached King Puru. King Puru accepted her as his sister and when the opportunity came during the war, he refrained from Alexander.

My favourite however, is the story of Krishna and Draupadi (the wife of the Pandavs) in the Mahabharat.

When Krishna injured his wrist whilst fighting in the war, Draupadi tore a strip of silk off her sari and tied it to stop the blood flow.
Krishna was so touched by her action that he found himself bound to her by love.

Later, Draupadi was kidnapped by the evil Duryodhan and was forced to be made a slave in his court. He commanded Dushashan to remove clothes of Pandavas and Draupadi as they were now his servants.
The Pandavas surrendered without any resistance. Now Dushashan turned to Draupadi. It was a moment of shame for mighty Pandavas yet they were helpless and remained silent spectators.
Draupadi was in a state of complete helplessness. Her five husbands were unable to save her. Elders in the assembly turned deaf ears to her intense call for help. Dushashan began pulling her sari off infront of the whole court so she prayed with all her faith to Lord Krishna.

Krishna heard Draupadi's prayers and remembering how she had tied Rakhi on him, came to her rescue. With his extraordinary powers, Krishna gave Draupadi one sari for every thread of silk in the Rakhi she had given him, and as one was pulled off, another would magically appear.
In the end, Dushashan fell to the ground exhausted and Draupadi was saved.

What a horrible day today was. I hate my life sometimes.

3 arguments with 3 different people.
I don't have the desire or energy to go into details right now.

Just that they were with my dad, my sister, and my ex/friend (well at least I think they still are).

I made up with my sister.
And said good night to my dad, to which he replied, so I'm guessing things are back to the same old normal there.

And with the ex...who knows. I'm still upset and angry...but at the same time I still care.
And have to hold myself back from calling or texting.

It's so hard and messed up. Because I still like them as a person...and want to be friends.
And who knows where things may go.

But there's a lot of friction right now.
They won't talk to me, let me in on how they feel. And then-

Then they're bitter and cold. So maybe it's best not to be in a relationship like that.

Except I know that's not what they're like. I know they're so nice and kind. And interesting and fun.
But the truth is, I can't deal with these arguments right now.

I need a solution, not another problem.

7.ThirtyOne.

Relationships and complications.
Mismatch and miscommunications.
I want it and yeah...
I hate it and yeah...

Moving too fast and then moving too slow.
I dont know where you want to go.
Don't know where I want to go.

Singing our song to all your friends.
I sing our song to myself.
There're reasons, hey.
Maybe it'll all turn out swell.

Strangest feeling I know so well.

Relationships and complications.
Mismatch and miscommunications.
I want it and yeah...
I hate it and yeah...

You didn't let me in.
When the moon was waning out.
Didn't explain to me. Not even roundabout.

All I wanted was to take two steps back.
Maybe three or four.
Now I'm contemplating running to the door.
Pushing me, and pulling me.

Strangest feeling I've never known before.

Relationships and complications.
Mismatch and miscommunications.
I want it and yeah...
I hate it and yeah...

I want to be somebodies boy. Some mans secret someone.
I want to be that girls man. But what ain't done ain't done.
You've taught me though. I've learnt and I grow.
No closer away from where it began. But closer than I was on 7. 31.

This is my messed up self. Don't know where I want to go.
It would be good to have a girl sing me Kate's Shit though.
Or a guy to sing it to. Someone's secret, a secret someone.

Relationships and complications.
Mismatch and miscommunications.
I want it and yeah...
I want it and yeah...

I want it and yeah...
Yeah. I want it. Yeah...

MIXEDSIGNALS

September is almost here! I love this time of year.

As daylight dwindles and the nights draw long,
the temperature drops,
fruit falls from the trees,
and the ground is set ablaze,
yellow, orange, crimson...


And not only is it a time to appreciate the beauty of the British countryside, but, especially for Hindus, it's festival time.

Raksha Bandhan, Janmashtami, Navaratri, Diwali, Halloween...and finally Christmas

|WEEKEND|

|CHALLENGE|ADVENTURE|EXCITEMENT|SPENDING|FUN|LAUGHS| |ARGUMENTS|DEPRESSION|RECOVERY|CALM|

Mum and Dad got back from their holiday earlier...I'm really pleased they went. It's the first time they've had the chance to go away together since their Honeymoon!

It was a challenge too for my sister and I to run the family business without them, but the two of us, along with some help from our cousin bro and sis managed it well I think.
It was actually quite easy to do, and I feel I can do it again in future, hopefully for longer next time.

My cousins came up on Friday and left this afternoon.
As usual in their company, we all had a really good time, laughing, joking, spending...

See the post below for all the treats I purchased (with money I don't actually have! :-S )

My sister saw this jacket she really liked in Cult but she seemed doubtful when she asked my opinion so I advised her to make sure she really liked it and ensure it wasn't just an impulse buy.
She decided to reserve it and come back later.

After a few more hours of shopping the stores began to close, and she had to rush back to Cult, and plead with the sales assistant to let her in to buy it.
That situation showed her that she really did want the jacket.

Sunday was good, because all four of us bought stuff that we really, really liked.

I felt a bit down after the two of them left, even though I was excited that the 'rents were coming home, I had that "Sunday evening" feeling of everything going back to normal, a new week ahead, and the end of a really good weekend that I'd been looking forward to.

It didn't help that I kind of had an argument with my...friend.

They told me that they'd been asked out on a date, two in fact.

And I didn't take it so well, because, to be honest, we were once more than friends, and I'm not sure how I feel now.
My reaction proved to me what I thought, that I do still have feelings for them.
It's like the jacket thing again.

And the frustrating thing is maybe things could have worked out, but there was so much miscommunication when we 'talked' and I don't know if we understood each other.
It's my own fault anyway.

The truth is I was a little scared...because suddenly something that I'd been longing for, and then an virtual relationship suddenly became a real person.

I've never been in a situation like that.

It was exciting, but it was also a little fast...to be that close mentally, having only met once.

Like I said, it's my own fault.
I can't expect them to deal with that, or wait for me.
And as I told them, I am happy for them. I really am. They deserve to be happy. Because they're an amazing person.

It's just that I'm tired of being the person who's happy for everyone else.
I want to be happy myself. As selfish as it may sound.

I've waited so long, how long more do I have to wait?

Ah well, everything happens for a reason, and people come into your life for a reason.
Sometimes it's obvious why.
Sometimes it's not.
Sometimes it's to give you a message. To restore your faith.
And sometimes you just don't know why.

But hopefully they'll stay around long enough for you to find out.

:-)

Night lovelies. Xx

I went shopping yesterday...again. Someone really has to stop me. It's a costly addiction.

I bought this T-shirt from Topman - £4.50

And this jacket from Jack Jones - £45

And this cardigan from Zara - £35 (I know!)

I also bought some boxer-trunks from H&M but I'm not modeling them here! Ha ha.

Guess who's back in town...

I got M.I.A.'s new album Kala today. It's so damn good. I've been waiting so long for it too.

I seem to be the only person I know who loves her so much, and most of my friends can't stand her (despite some of them happily dancing along to her songs).

But seriously, her music is so energetic, funky, vibrant, and cool. How can anyone not like it?

Meh, her being underground makes her all the more special...

Listen to this, and remember to crank up the volume and bass but then don't blame me when you can't stop asking, "how many, how many boys 'there?"

Listening to:

Armand Van Helden - I Want Your Soul - really loud.

Feeling:

Defiant, confident, positive.

Thinking:

I'm tired of thinking oh wow, I wish I was like that, had that, was as cool as him...blah, blah, blah.

I'm going to take charge of my life. Do what I want to do. Be who I want to be. Rather than admiring and envying others, I'm going to be that person.

The greatest change for me by the end of the year?

Get Job.
Continue uni comfortably.
Find love.
Find myself.
Love myself.

I feel depressed today. I know the reason why. It's the same reason I feel lonely. It's not the same reason I feel cold. That's because of the rather crap weather. Though all three could be solved by the same thing.

I guess, like I always tell myself, everything happens for a reason. Though I still don't think that someone has got the correct message, and has misunderstood what I meant, instead choosing to believe what they want to believe.

Then again, I respect their decision, as the options I presented to them weren't fair on them, I understand that. Though I never asked them to change, or be different. I'd never do that. And I think that they think that I did.

Anyway, I'm lucky enough to still have them as a friend, an amazingly cool friend...and a great careers advisor (ha ha).

I applied for jobs again today, this time in London. I'm hoping to work while studying. And, following the advice of someone, I'm even going to apply to a few places I'd never even bothered to think of before, because I doubt someone like me could ever work at somewhere as cool as that.

Mr Someone disagrees with my thinking, but I remain unconvinced. All I'm saying is "hmmmm" - an unconvinced agreement.

In other news, my parents seem to be getting along really well recently. Joking with each other playfully instead of rowing. It's because they're going to Barcelona this weekend for their anniversary and it's the first time they've been away together in ages. You can tell they're excited. And it's nice to see that for once. Though it does mean my sister and I are going to have to run the business ourselves for a few days....gulp!

Oh and talking of my sister, she's going to Hong Kong on business from the 11th of September till the 22nd. Not only does this mean she'll miss my birthday, but also she'll be flying, on a plane, half way around the world, on 9/11! She took great delight in pointing out the date to me today. Silly cow.
At least she'll be back for my Birthday night out in London...though I still have to decide where that'll be...

Enough rambling for now...I'm going to go and do something to make myself feel better...


...why is it that when you feel down, you're compelled to listen to sad songs that only remind you of why you're upset.

Shall I listen to sad songs and cry and not feel any better? Or should I listen to punching beats and move forward?

I have been playing this track on repeat, really loud through my stereo, it's such a chooooonee...

...love the lyrics, and the voice too.

And strange as how it's such a sad melancholy song, and even though the tune, and echoed voice reflects that, the beat is so punchy and aggressive with a phat B-line, almost strong, defiant.


T2 & Jodie - Heartbroken

Sitting here at home,
thinking 'bout you all alone,
wondering where our love went wrong,
got a confession to make...

'cos you made me happier,
now my life is blue and hurt,
'cos when you left you took my heart,
got a confession to make,

I'm heartbroken
with out your love,
heartbroken
yes I've had enough,
heartbroken,
I don't know what to say,
I've never felt this way...

Chooneage!

10 tips for the top.


1. Forgive yourself and others: Life is too short to hold on to regrets, grudges, miscommunications, or disappointments. Free yourself by forgiving and letting go of any negative energy you're holding on to about yourself or others. The process of forgiving yourself and others will result in your feeling light and free; it will raise your contentment.

2. Practise gratitude and appreciation: Whatever you focus on grows. So, when you focus on every thing in your life you feel grateful for all and the wonderful people you appreciate, the universe hands you more to feel grateful about.

3. Live each day as though it were your last: Then you will be living in a state of light, love and unconditional contribution. What would you say to the people you care about?

4. Meditate or pray: You open up a direct link between yourself and the spiritual realm when you meditate or pray. You will come closer to your creator energy; raise your contentment experience, peace, clarity, joy and connection, as well as a perfectly balanced state between your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual realms.

5. Suspend judgment: One judges another to feel less guilty about one's own misgivings. Judgment energy is dense, dark and heavy. On the other hand, unconditional acceptance is light, free and accepting. Let go of judging and criticising yourself and others. Everyone is on a different path and some appear to be farther ahead on their path than others. Neither path is better nor worse than another. Raise your conscious-ness to one of acceptance.

6. View every experience as a gift: If you look back at occurrences in your life, you can easily see how even the worst situations you experienced in your life ended up teaching you invaluable lessons and therefore resulted in putting you in perfect place for your continuing development. When you view every experience — the good, the bad, and the ugly — as a gift, life flows more like a gentle, inspiring breeze.

7. Stay consciously aware of all your thoughts and feelings: It is easy to fall into negative patterns of complaining and feeling like a victim of society and your life. When you catch yourself in the negative zone, don't feel badly about it and beat yourself up. Simply choose to switch your consciousness to one of gratitude and positive thinking.

8. Treat your physical body as your temple: Your body is the only vehicle you've been given for this ride called life. The better you care for your body by eating a healthy, balanced diet, and by implementing a regular exercise routine, and by giving your body the rest it requires, the more you will experience increased energy, vitality, joy and freedom.

9. View the world through the eyes of a child: Children are enthralled by the process of observing and experiencing the wonder and beauty in every single thing. They can't get enough. Look at every tree, sunset, cloud and human being as a child would and you'll be in a constant state of wonder, joy, surprise, acceptance and enlightenment.

10. Give love, love, love from your heart: It's all about love. Love is the highest contentment. Allow yourself to receive love unconditionally from others. Give love from your heart unconditionally to yourself and others and you will experience the highest state of consciousness possible



Most importantly smile and make others smile :)

If only they were onions...

At least then I'd have an explaination...